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Potluck Grooming
By James Whittall
I was cleaning house the other day, metaphorically speaking.
In fact, I was sifting through my seemingly bottomless computer hard drive, organizing useful files and sweeping away garbage.
That's when I fell upon my forgotten "stash," a Word document I use from time to time to jot down article ideas. Or, more accurately, it's my cybernetic version of the elephant burial ground where good but essentially pointless grooming tips go to die.
It's not that these are bad ideas. Far from it. I just couldn't hang entire articles on them.
So it occurred to me, why not reheat them in the same pot and serve them up as potluck grooming?
And then it occurred to me that I shouldn't mix metaphors. But having done so, egregiously, with much criminal intent, and not wanting to rewrite a damned word of this introductory bumf, I decided to let it slide. Just this once.
So, without further ordure…
Hot Lather Shaves - from Your Microwave
If you're in dire need of a hot lather shave (what man isn't?) but don't have time to pay Luigi the Barber a visit, turn instead to your friendly neighborhood nuke.
You'll need a can of shave foam and a microwave-friendly dish. Be sure it's foam you're using and not shave cream or gel. The microwave will reduce creams and gels to a slimy goo-like substance that may be right at home on Maury Povich but doesn't have any business being applied to your face.
Spray some foam in the dish and place the dish into your microwave. DO NOT save time by nuking the shave foam canister! Set the oven to MEDIUM and radiate for 30 seconds. The foam will literally double in volume while it heats. Dip a moist shave brush into the cooked foam and you're ready for a seriously luxurious hot lather shave.
Writes Cialdini: "Research shows that we automatically assign to good-looking individuals such favorable traits as talent, kindness, honesty, and intelligence. Furthermore, we make these judgments without being aware that physical attractiveness plays a role in the process."
Extend the Life of Your Razor Blades
Big Grooming didn't do us any favors by manufacturing near-immediate obsolescence into their twin, triple, and quadruple blade "shaving systems."
Consider for a moment the expense: $10 dollars for four cartridges at five shaves a-piece, or $15 per month at $0.50 per shave. If you ask me, it shouldn't cost three times as much to shave as it does to have some pimply teenager throw a newspaper into your bushes every morning.
No longer, if you own a bottle of mineral oil and some rubbing alcohol. After shaving, thoroughly clean and dry your razor blades and then completely immerse the razor head in a shallow dish filled with mineral oil. Use the rubbing alcohol to wash away the oil next time you need to use the razor.
By immersing the blades in oil, you stop the oxidization process that dulls their sharp edges. A daily mineral oil soak can double or even triple the life of your cartridges.
Out of Hair Gel?
Pop Quiz: You're a stud on the prowl, about to commit to a Friday night's hunting and gathering, when you realize that you're out of hair gel and the all-night pharmacy burnt to the ground last week. (Hey, it can happen.) What do you do?
Try the handyman's secret: K-Y® Jelly. Has-been pop tart Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran claims he uses K-Y Jelly and not hair gel and gets pretty much the same results. (Uh, sure Nick.)
Personally, I wouldn't use the goop as a full-time hair treatment. But K-Y is water based with glycerin, and not a petroleum lubricant. It will certainly work in a pinch, won't harm a hair on your head, and washes clean away in the shower.
Oddly, K-Y Jelly has many other uses. The Seattle-Post Intelligencer claims it can also function as a pre-shave, lip gloss (oh my god) and puffy eye treatment.
No, you don't put it on your eyes! Squeeze an entire tube of magic lube into a zipper-lock plastic bag and stick it in the freezer for 20 minutes. It'll work much like a gel eye mask.
Cure for Classic Stinky Scalp
If you'd take a long drawl of week-old roadkill rather than tolerate one more night of your pillow's wretched stench, chances are you have classic stinky scalp.
A redolent noggin is more common than you'd think, and it's certainly no cause for embarrassment. The glands in your scalp are often stimulated into excess oil production by stress or hormonal changes. The extra oil causes bacteria on your skin to multiply and feed, so the aroma from their orgy of over-consumption can often be … well, staggering.
Fortunately, malodorous scalp rot is an easy thing to treat. Try an antibacterial shampoo from your local drugstore. If that doesn't kill off those foul little microbes, ratchet things up a notch with an oil-reducing shampoo that contains sulfur, zinc, or tar.
Still no luck? A dermatologist will be able to prescribe something stronger.
Did You Know?
- It's possible to minimize or even eliminate "bacne" (back acne) by switching from cotton to synthetic fiber undershirts. Cotton absorbs oil and traps it next to the skin, making conditions pristine for pimple production.
- You can treat ingrown hairs with Aspirin®. Aspirin is acetylsalicylic acid, which is identical to salicylic acid except that it contains an acetyl group so as not to upset stomachs when taken orally. And salicylic acid, we all know, is the active ingredient in many razor bump and mild acne remedies. Crush two tablets into a fine powder and then add a couple drops of water to create a thick paste. Dab the paste onto your razor bump and let it dry.
- Grated potatoes can lighten under-eye circles. Potatoes contain an enzyme called catecholase, which is used in cosmetics as a human skin lightener. Run one spud through your food processor and stuff the raw mash into a piece of cheesecloth. Apply to the area directly beneath your eye - don't let the potato juice come in contact with the eye itself - and leave for 15 to 20 minutes. Wipe away the starchy residue and follow with a few blobs of chilled eye cream.
- Astringent toners are great antidotes for midday forehead glare. Keep a bottle of Menaji glycolic skin toner, Baxter herbal mint toner, or Anthony astringent aftershave in your desk along with a small bag of cotton balls. Give yourself a swab in the early afternoon, when your shiny forehead or T-zone starts to signal alien civilizations in far-away galaxies.
Copyright ® Menessentials Corporation. All rights reserved.
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